Journals from One Participant Over Time

Several participants have been connecting every day or every few days for months. The result has been that they have developed rich new relationships with their loved one in spirit. They have also received teaching and messages that are profound and wise.

One participant we're calling Joan has had 113 connections since she began using the procedure in late January 2013. Her partner of 20 years, whom we're calling Ben, transitioned to the next plane of life in 2012. Over the course of the 113 connections, her connections have become deeper and the experiences more remarkable. Ben has been using the sessions to teach Joan, using images and scenarios that are metaphors, rather like koans. However, along with the metaphors is always an impression without words that provides the meaning. The teachings are in keeping with the Earth school model of teaching in which we learn through discovery, with guidance from our loved ones, our guides, and the Source to help us grow and learn.

A small number of Joan's journals follow to give you a perspective on what happens when someone connects over time. The gaps in time are from journals left out of this sampling. She has been connecting nearly every day.

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~
Joan's first connection

Stage 3: January 29, 2013

In the first exercise the beach was long and sandy, I approached it from the right hand side. The girl had long brown hair and was about 8 or 9, but she also flashed to a younger girl with wavy blond hair. When I said hello, she looked up and said"Hi Mum" (I do have a daughter in spirit), then went back to building a sand castle. I sat down and helped her, and almost in an instant a magnificent castle was built. She then ran off to play and I lay down on the sand just feeling the sun and the peace, the other people were a long way off. An angel, looking like the classic picture book angel came and hovered over me, smiling at me and sending golden light in waves over me. Then I counted out.

In the second exercise, the beach was a small cove with rocks on either side. I stood in the water and could feel the tide pulling against my feet. My partner came up behind me and put his arms around me and we simply stood there together, snuggling. I stayed there a while and then counted out.

In the 3rd exercise, as I walked away from the water I realised that the cove was at one end of the 1st beach. I sat down and lots of small creatures like snails and insects came around my feet. After a while they became babies then small children then they all ran off to play. I asked if anyone had a message for me and a whole bunch of people turned up, some floating in the air, I didn't know them. After a few minutes silence I got the word "cover" when I asked for clarification I got "duck and cover", then later "peace". I began to count out, then got "hang on", so I paused, and my partner came through the crowd to tell me that he loved me. We hugged and then I counted out.

All of these were impressions, although when I was with my partner in the sea I felt tingling at the back of my right thigh, and when I was waiting to see if a message was coming, I had a tickling sensation on my left temple.

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~

Stage 4: January 30, 2013

During the instructions I didn't feel as if I was properly relaxed or feeling the love but once I'd moved on to the place of beauty I realised that I was relaxed and feeling love (maybe it was because I'd stopped "trying"). My place of beauty is also my place of peace, a meadow, tree, river and trees on the other side. When I got there I had a sense that my partner was around but didn't see or feel him there. Stepping through the doorway I sensed he was closer but again, didn't see or feel him. When I asked for the message I knew he was beside me and it seemed like I had some sort of form though not like a body, and he had no form. I got "Love". I asked him to tell me more about that and he said "Love everything and everybody", then I experienced what unconditional love feels like and could picture myself living life that way and being very happy, peaceful and true to myself.

Then I had impressions of headstones and cemeteries, people scattering ashes in filthy rivers ( I had been talking yesterday about not having made a decision over what to do with his ashes), I asked him what he wanted. I got a sense of him smiling and knew that he would be happy with whatever I choose, and would be very happy for his ashes to go with mine when the time comes.

Then I had the impression of seeing him diving off a ridiculously high waterfall and laughing with enjoyment, knowing that he can do anything he wants now. When he dived again he kind of morphed into a young woman with long blond hair, at first I thought it was me, but when I went to say goodbye, I realised it was our daughter aged about 19 now, and gorgeous. When I hugged my partner goodbye he became the cuddly older shape he was when he passed, when he was diving he was younger and trimmer. I had just finished counting out, and an alarm went off that would have disturbed me had I not finished exactly when I did.

How valuable or not valuable were the procedures for you?

Incredibly valuable. I am gaining tools and confidence. Thanks to the positive and constructive feedback after the journal entries I am losing my self-criticism about not being able to connect, because I actually am I just didn't know it! That feedback is one of the most important parts of this process I think, especially in the learning stages.

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~

Stage 4: January 31, 2013

I did stage 4 again, because I had jolly well forgotten to download stage 5 last night! My partner (Ben) was in the beautiful place, I had the sense of his arms around me from behind. When I stepped through the door I had the impression of his face, healthy and younger. I asked how he was doing and he put his arm around my shoulder and waved his hand as if to say look at all this! How could I not be great! I couldn't see anything but white, but could understand what he meant because of yesterday's waterfall scene.

We stood together for a while sharing thoughts, his message for me was "mindful" I queried do you mean be mindful? He said the words be mindful at the same time as me in reply then "practise". I know what he means, be aware and in the moment. The conversation was all on top of each other, not turntaking like a spoken conversation but more like instant thoughts that happened almost faster than I could process them.

Then we both jumped on a mini tandem tricycle! Hahaha we tootled off like mad things, playing like little kids, he on the front me on the back. We went through trees and underplantings along a path, absolute paradise. Then I saw the sea, not from the beach but more like the inside of a wave. Then we were on the beach together, I saw my mother in the distance (she passed 3 months before my partner), I stood with my partner and invited her closer, she did come closer, Ben urged me to go to her. I did, gave her a kiss and a hug and said she could come and visit me, she said she had been trying but I wouldn't let her in. I thanked her for being the best Mum in the world when I was a child and told her of my admiration for how she had dedicated her life to being a Mum. She began to cry because we had been estranged for many years before she passed and she felt she had done wrong by me. I told her there was no wrongdoing it's just who we each were at the time and that I had forgiven myself for that and now she needed to forgive herself as well, we remained with arms around each other.

Then my grandfather approached cheeky as ever (he passed 3 months after my partner) and gave me a kiss then stood with Mum (he is her father), then my best friend who passed 20 years ago came up and put her arm around me, her partner also gave me a kiss then went and chatted with Ben while the rest of us had a group hug. My paternal grandmother came up (she passed 3 months before my Mum), she looked as I remembered her but showed me a flash of her young, she was beautiful and familiar, then my paternal grandfather came and gave me a kiss (he passed when I was 9), then a little 5 year old girl I know who passed 6 months after my grandfather came and hugged me, she said I want coffee(she was autistic and that was her way of recognising me) but she was laughing about it because now she is healthy and well in all respects.

I said to that group that I wanted to go back to Ben now so we all said goodbye, I was a little blown away by all of them turning up! I went back to Ben and he told me I brought them all here for you, I said but why? I want to be with you. he told me because you need to acknowledge/know all the parts of you that are here, and remember I'm only a thought away. He then told me to go, and write all this down. I wanted to stay but he looked at me smiling and loving and said go, then stood there while I faded away and counted out.

How valuable or not valuable were the procedures for you?

Holy moly!! This procedure and the emails I get are really helping me to accept the impressions I get. This experience was once again impressions but felt more real and definitely unfolded. It's a wonderful feeling to begin to believe that I can be with Ben, leave him and be with him again. It gives me freedom to be in the world of the physical living without fear that I will lose him.

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~

Stage 6: February 1, 2013


As soon as I got to the beautiful place Ben was there, he grabbed my hand and said Come on let's go! It felt like he'd been waiting for me, I did this exercise much later today. We went through the doorway and flew off together holding hands. He wanted to show me the land where he lived. We flew over a very Disney kind of fairy tale land, complete with rainbows. He told me he is so much happier there than he was on earth, now he feels like he belongs, whereas he never felt like he quite fitted on earth.

We sat on a cloud and had a picnic. I asked him if he had any message for me, he told me to experience life and love. He showed me a picture of some of the people on earth, including me, and my light was shining brightly, he told me I have a huge capacity for love that not everyone has, and to make sure I shone. I asked him how to do that, he told me to keep doing what I was doing and to find peace and joy in everything I do, I got a picture of me pottering around the garden and going to the peaceful places I enjoy.

Then we were standing on a cliff looking at the stars with his arms around me, just soaking it all in. I had a lovely feeling of calm, love, safety, peace, it was just me, him and the stars. Then I was back in my beautiful place. Ben came and placed a cloak around my shoulders, as he did that, I felt a tickling on the left side of my neck. I asked what that was for, and didn't get a response but became aware of a feeling of being cared for, and realised that was the response. We kissed and hugged and his appearance became somewhat similar to pictures of Incas. I counted out.

Because my conscious mind had been so active I began to wonder if I'd made some of it up, but then I got tickles on my head, and tingles on the backs of my legs. That restored my faith that it really was him I was with. I do think I will practise this stage more though.

Write below anything else you experienced or any thoughts you have.

I was frustrated with myself during this experience, because I kept repeating words and events to myself trying to file it so I could remember it! So much happened anyway that I didn't have a hope in the end of remembering it like that, so I asked Ben to please help me remember when I came out, and I think we've done pretty well. Again, practise and faith will improve this I think, as well as doing it earlier in the morning like the previous ones so my mind is more relaxed.

Yesterday I got a lovely message when a very special bird came, and when I went to look for where it was, I found 2 feathers, then the neighbour across the road, for the first time ever, played loud music and it was 2 songs that are special to us.

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~

Stage 7: February 2, 2013


I did the relaxation and went to go to my beautiful place but it seemed far away, then I realised I'd forgotten to do the 1-20 count, so did that and was instantly in my beautiful place and in a much deeper state of relaxation. Ben was waiting for me under the tree, I sat down beside him. He said I love knowing that this is where I can find you every time. We sat there together for a while, I asked him if he'd taken me to see Uncle Max last night in my dream (a relative of his who has passed), he said Yup. I asked him what all the water in my dream was about (it was flowing like a river pushing me back), he said You make things much harder for yourself than you need to, relax, let things flow. I asked him what all the number patterns I've been seeing lately mean (111;222;444;555;1001) he told me it's signals to let me know that the Source is there with me. Then he led us through the doorway, and we flew again, we became like large predator birds circling, with sharp vision, I could feel the flow of the air beneath my wings.I got a flash of a small child with cheeks puffed out they seemed familiar but I don't know who it was. I got a story about a woman who lives in both worlds (pysical and non-physical) and got a picture of her passed out on her bathroom floor while she was running a class or business or something in the non-pysical world, I didn't know who she was either. I saw a crazy brass instrument the shape of which reminded me of the loch ness monster! I asked Ben if there was anything I needed to know he said Only that I love you and kissed me. I waved goodbye and went back through the door, then counted out.

I have been practising meditation for nearly a year, and have never been able to reach the deep relaxation state that I do with this technique so quickly and consistently. I'm really enjoying it.

I think this experience was about showing me that I really am in the afterlife, and helping to develop my faith and confidence that it's real.

It's interesting that since I started this procedure I haven't been remembering my dreams every night, except last night's one. Before this I was woken most nights so I could write my dreams down.

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~

Stage 7: February 3, 2013


As I was counting in I had a sense of Ben and a small crowd of people standing in the beautiful place by the river watching me, when I actually got there however it was just Ben and I, he was both sitting under the tree and standing all around me. I couldn't quite get my head around that at first, looking for a connection point to start, I told him it was a bit confusing for me and he got up from under the tree and then he was all around me. I said Hello, so did he and then he was beside me leading me to the door. We went through and walked through lovely bush it seemed he was leading me somewhere in particular. Eileen (my daughter) was swinging through the trees like Tarzan and called out hello as she swung past.

Ben led me to a room like a doctors surgery, and I sat on a chair under a machine that pointed 3 crystals at my head, 1 in the middle of my forehead and 2 at the sides of my head. I asked Ben what this was for, and he said it was to open my 3rd eye and ears. I sat there for some time and could physically feel a tingling in my 3rd eye. I told him I wouldn't mind some work on my heart chakra too, and a very large crystal was pointed at my heart. The crystal pointed at my forehead was blue, the ones at my ears clear-green, and the one at my heart, green. Then 2 or 3 more crystals were pointed at my lower chakras. I was there for what felt like a good 10 minutes but I can't be sure. My forehead began to ache a little (I can still feel it a bit now). I had the sense that 2 teacher types were there who had taught Ben this and were supervising him, they said That's enough and the crystals disappeared. Some months ago I had a reading at a medium's show in which Ben told me he was getting stronger so he could come through and help me, I asked him today what he meant by that, he told me he was learning how to manifest. I said Cool. How close are you? He replied Getting there. 7 months.

He led me to the waiting room and the door. I asked him if he had any advice for my day today, he told me to slow down, stop and appreciate the moment, now go and rest before work. Then he took my face in his hands and kissed me, I hugged him and we held on tight, while we did that I physically felt like I was floating although I could still feel the chair beneath me. I walked through the door and lay down by the river for a while. Then something happened, or I thought something, I don't remember, and half of me dragged myself up from this beautiful peaceful place and I counted myself out.

I have had more success in achieving deep relaxation using this procedure for a week, than I have had in a year of trying to meditate. It seems to be consistent too which is so exciting.

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~

Stage 7: February 4, 2013


Ben ws waiting for me by the river, I rushed up to him and we hugged. He walked me over to the tree and picked us both an apple. Then he took me to the other side of the river, we swam there in an instant. He took me to a groovy little hut, it felt like a refuge. He told me I could come and hang out here if I wanted, it could be my safe place for evermore. Then we flew with the birds, it felt free and fun, but I asked when are we going through the door to the afterlife? He said we're already here, and we flew like clouds on a really fast wind to the afterlife side, with the bush and forest that I remembered. We hovered over a village, kind of medieval but everyone was really happy and shining. We swooped down a chimney type thing and I got the impression of people new to the afterlife talking with their families about their physical lives, they had regrets and realisations. I queried how long it would take them to be happy, Ben smiled and laughed and said They'll get there.

Now he had a picnic basket in his hand and we had fairy wings, we flew over a place where the babies went to grow up, Eileen was there helping to take care of them and I realised she had spent her baby time there. We landed then in a clearing and I knew it was time to go, though I was reluctant. I saw the door and we said goodbye. I walked through the door and was put in a hot air balloon and transported back to the place I started before I did the 1-20 count. Then I counted out.

I was surprised when I came out that 25 minutes had passed, it only felt like 5 or 10. It still feels a lot like imagination, but I am learning to recognise that it is unfoldment by surprises like the baby place, I've never thought about that before and don't think I would have imagined it.

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~

Stage 7: February 6, 2013


Ben was waiting for me, we greeted each other and sat for a minute. He seemed a little sad and I asked him why, he said that was my sadness, not his. I asked why I was sad, and he told me that I'm always looking forward or back and forgetting the now, I asked for help to be in the now. Then I had the impression of him half hiding behind a tree, I asked him what that was about and he said I should look for him.

I told him that I needed to meet my guides and asked that they meet me on the other side of the door. Ben hung back while I went through the door and I had the impression of 2 people there, one on each side of me. The one on the left seemed like a tall male but I couldn't connect to the one on the right. I got a clear impression of an acorn hat with a string attached and a large hand grasping the string, then I saw in colour and everything a picture of red petals falling like rain. I asked if he had any guidance for me and got an impression of a fox, I found myself thinking about the nature of a fox: quick, cunning, hiding. I heard 3 voices in my head it was almost like they were echoing, I don't remember what the first 2 said but the 3rd was a woman's voice that asked Are you angry with me? Ben was holding my right hand all throughout this, and my body was tingling like crazy as well as tingles on my lips and coolness on my right cheek. Then the song Free me, free me from myself came into my head.

I'm left with the feeling that the message was about me hiding from myself and needing to find myself. I don't know what the symbols are about though. The red petals coudl be referring to Valentines Day which is mine and Ben's anniversary.

The act of writing the journal entry afterward somehow makes the experience more concrete.

Surprisingly this was 35 minutes long, I barely felt like I got there. It was not easy to remember this one and make sense of it, I really feel though that is about me not yet being able to receive clearly, rather than what I am getting or not.

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~

Stage 7: February 17, 2013


This one had a real happy, happy vibe. When I got to the river, Ben was waiting for me in a hot air balloon. I got in, and we flew over the Disney kingdom, over the forest, over a lake and to a large white building with people inside. Ben took me inside and we saw his Dad, I asked his father what he was doing here, Reading he replied. Further into the room I saw my Mum, I asked what she was doing here Discovering myself she replied, her father was near her, I asked what he was doing, Playing bowls was his answer. We then were back in the hot air balloon but still in the building, we flew over a group of children, the 5 year old I know was there Ariel was too, she waved and smiled as we flew over. Then I was outside of the building, still in the balloon but now with Matt. We seemed to fly higher and came to another building but this one seemed less solid, the people there were totally serene and kinda floating, all in white. We flew higher still and came to a place that had no structure at all, the people there seemed very wise, one man stood out and he touched my forehead while smiling at me, we stayed in the balloon in both these last 2 locations. Then Matt and I flew above that last place and saw some dark clouds he said That's just part of what is. Then we started flying down again, and went out further than the kingdom and forest. We flew over a land that was full of butterflies, insects and wild animals all living in harmony, it was a very busy place, then on a bit to a lake surrounded by trees where there was nothing at all, just a wonderful peaceful feeling. I soaked it up for a bit and asked Matt why he was showing me this, Because you need some of this, he replied. That's very true I always crave peace and solitude. I wanted to go down and explore a bit, but he said no not this time, I'm just showing it to you. I asked him what Kachina's role in all this was, he told me she was to make my spirit dance. I soaked up the feeling some more and saw in the distance other hot air balloons flying over other lands. I asked if I could see Ben's world. Matt took me to a room that was like a lab, Ben was there working with crystals creating psionic/radionic tools. I thanked Matt and then it was just me and Ben in the room. He was so happy, enjoying himself immensely. I said he could use some of them on me if he wanted. He lay me down and put a tool that looked a bit like an outside TV aerial on my chest, it had small crystals at various points on it. Then he put a flat red crystal on my 3rd eye, a blue one on my throat, and 1 in each palm. I lay there for quite some time, physically I could feel a slight pressure/weight on my forehead, chest and palms. Eventually it was time to go, Ben took the crystals off my chest, head and throat, and I walked through the door back to the river. At the river I was surprised to see it full of people playing, and butterflies and insects! There's never been anyone there before, and strangely I didn't seem to mind. Ben and Matt and a small crowd behind them were waving and laughing at the door. Then everything faded away and I counted out.

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~

Stage 7: February 21, 2013


Today was a little bit all over the place and 45 minutes long, so hopefully I can remember most of it. When I got to the river Ben was lying on a hammock under the tree (I have no idea what the other end was tied to as there is only 1 tree). I got on the hammock with him, we kissed and hung out together, the kind of feeling where you're just looking up at the stars. I asked him how his studies were going, he gave me a thought of excitement, enthusiasm and an endless supply of books to study. In a bit, Matt came along and took me flying. We ended up on a rooftop of a very high building on a very high mountain, way above the clouds. He asked me Are you afraid? I said No. He gave me a thought of me tumbling off the roof down through the clouds and asked Would you be afraid then? I replied that part of me probably would be, but if I was here, I could just think myself out, go somewhere else. He said Good. Then I added, or I would just have to trust that someone would catch me, he didn't reply to that. I got the random thought "It's overpriced anyway", and while I was distracted with that, the body shift happened. It started like butterflies in my stomach then went whoosh throughout my body and my body came alive, it was like all the molecules were bouncing inside. That seemed to last only a few minutes then I had the impression of grass and I was back with Ben at the river. I jumped on the hammock, we held each other and said I Love You. Then another brief body shift, during this one I had a fleeting impression of me sitting in a window seat reading a book. Then back with Ben. Then a blissful feeling that I could have just stayed in forever. All of a sudden I stretched my physical body and it brought me right back. I said goodbye to Ben and everything faded away even the river and I counted out.

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~

Stage 7: March 1, 2013


I got to the river easily today, Ben was waiting for me. He took me by the hand and we started walking. I said to him, I wish I could get you more clearly and understand your communications properly. He said That's where we're going. Where? I asked. You'll see, he replied. We ended up in a lecture hall, listening to someone. I couldn't really get what the speaker was saying, I had thoughts about white light being used like kitchen knives! Ben turned to me and said Get it? I said No. He explained: You don't have to worry about who it is that is coming to visit you, or who is communicating with you, because it's all me, even when you're thinking to yourself, it's still me. I am All, like you are All, we are all, All. I got that. I started getting clear impressions, just practice ones, like a security guard making funny faces lol. While I was distracted with thinking about the waterfall that Ben jumped off, and seeing him as jumping off the waterfall as well as being the waterfall, the body shift happened. Ben then told me I need to learn to maintain that, and raise my vibration within that. I asked how? He reminded me of when I was on the rooftop with Matt, and said Think it. I experimented with different ways of thinking that, but I'm not sure that I got it, I'm sure though, that it will come with practice, one day I'll just discover it. The impressions I got in that state though, were in colour and as visual experiences. Again, they seemed like practice ones: some dancing feet; calligrahic writing in red and black; your website transitioning between screens; and some woman offering me deli meat! (That's kinda crazy coz I'm not really into meat very much). I got some thoughts/words in my head to, unconnected with what I was thinking/seeing at the time. I am unable to remember all the details from these sorts of experiences because they are numerous and very quick. I trust that the ones I really need to remember, I will.

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~

Stage 7: March 17, 2013


I hope I can remember all of this one, there was a lot of significant detail. Ben was at the river when I got there, we greeted each other warmly, I told him I wanted to get closer to him, and he told me the only way to do that was to go with the flow, then he took me to the hut on the other side, and asked me to lie down on the couch and meditate. I did so, and he laid crystals all over my body. When he did that I felt my vibration rise to a floaty feeling. I could perceive Ben and myself in the hut but it was as if I was looking at that from the outside. Then Ben concentrated, and with his thoughts sent energy into the crystals, when he did that, I felt a wave of tingles up one leg as well as tingles in my forehead, and my vibration seemed to rise. When my attention went back to Ben, I could perceive him still concentrating, and me on the couch, but now there were beams of coloured light coming from above going into the crystals as well. Again my vibration rose. When I went back next time to Ben, there was a bubble around me with swirling rainbow colours, as well as the previous layers. This time though, my feeling went back to the physical, and I found myself thinking about the NDE I had when I was 15, then my thoughts went to other turning point events at 15, and I realised that was when I started thinking about life beyond death and finding out what I believed about that. As soon as I realised that, I was back with Ben, there was another layer, a group of people were hovering around me, chanting. The floaty feeling was back and this time there was a churning in my solar plexus, which started to spread a lovely warmth throughout that area, and butterflies in my tummy. During all this, the air around me felt very close and somewhat denser. At some point, Ben and the others all smiled at each other and stopped what they were doing, I was still on the couch with the crystals, but I was also with the others. I had the song "You're still the one" in my head practically the whole time, and we all started dancing and singing to that. It was a joyous party! Just before I went to count out, I had a body shift, but then next door started their car, and the rain came and I thought about my washing on the I counted out.

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~

Stage 7: March 31, 2013


I was extremely relaxed today, the meditation had a dream-like quality though I was aware I was conscious the whole time, just rolling around in the feelings and sensations. Today I seemed to be experiencing lots of different snippets of scenes, many of them quite quick and difficult to grab hold of, I can only remember some. When I finished the relaxation part, I got a sudden surge of light, loving upliftedness, it really felt like Ben, I stayed with that for a while before doing the 1-20 count. When I got to the river, Ben was there, he grabbed me, we shot straight up, I don't know where to, and that was the only time I could seem to see or feel Ben. I don't remember the order of events so I'll just relay the bits I recall. 3 or 4 of the people from the fire were back, they seemed a little despondent this time. I asked them why they were back, they said they didn't find what they were looking for. I asked them what they were looking for, they said What to expect. I thought that a little odd, so I asked them if they had died, or if they were meditating or astral travelling, they told me they were dying I got the impression they had terminal illnesses, and were trying to prepare by finding out what it's going to be like. Ahh, I said, What I've learnt is that it doesn't work if you expect a result, what I've been learning is to simply ask for help, then they will take it from there. Look, I said, I'll leave the door open, and we'll ask together. I sat with them, and spoke " These people would like some guidance and help to prepare them for the next part of their journey of life, if there is anyone here who is willing to guide them, please come to them now". (Hmm, note to self or what? I could do with taking some of my own advice, perhaps that was the purpose of this.) Anyway, 4 classic looking angels came out of the door, the people perked up, and they all went off together. About 3 times I remember being shown pages from a book, I was able to read half a line on 1 of the pages, it read the skies before the... I couldn't really get the next line, but it had the word ...foretold... in it. At another time I was sewing and pricked my finger with a pin, I felt that physically. There was a body shift in there somewhere, again while I was distracted by other thoughts. In fact, a lot of the thoughts seemed like distractions today, perhaps that was their purpose, to distract me so the shifts in consciousness could happen. I remember at one time, feeling extremely light, like I was floating though I could still feel the bed under me. My vision seemed to be spiralling at one point too. Again, I knew it was time to go when the sensation all returned to normal. It felt like I'd been in there for hours.

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~

Stage 7: April 28, 2013


A really strong and beautiful connection today. I felt a shift that was on top of me rather than within me the whole time. The way I know that it was Ben is that I began having a conversation with him, as naturally as if I could tell it was him on me. The way we had our conversation was that I would ask a question and then let my thoughts wander until suddenly I realised that I had got an answer, at which time it began fading quickly like a dream. This one really was real, and I would still be there if it weren't for the neighbour and her damned leaf blowing machine!! So anyway, it started (I think), with me having an impression of Ben standing higher than me, behind a ledge of some sort. My thoughts took me to a feeling of me in a swimming pool, feeling nervous at first coz I didn't know where I was, then rising to the surface and breaking the water peacefully and slowly. Ben was standing outside the pool, it was a large, indoor pool. I asked him "Why the swimming pool?" His response was to ask "How does it feel?" It felt like every drop of water in the pool was something for me to learn about, which was neverending, but at the same time it supported me. I don't remember how the first shift happened, but I felt the energy settle on top of me, it stayed there most of the time, except for one time when it moved to the left half of my body and beside me, like he was cuddling me, but it was present for the whole meditation. The house had some major creaks too. My only intention today was to get to the half awake half asleep state. When I felt the energy on top of me, I asked Ben to show me if it was him. My thoughts wandered to romantic novels and scenes from movies, that's how I knew it was him. I stayed feeling the energy for ages. I realised that my consciousness was with my body, and asked him to put my consciousness where it needed to be. My thoughts went to the stars, and a fireworks display on a moon base. I asked him "Why there?" He said "Because there is so much to find out about and know". He had always been interested in life beyond our planet, so I asked him how he felt now he knew. "Piffle", he replied lol. I was surprised at that response and queried it. "It all seems so unimportant now", he told me. I feel sure there were one or two other conversations, but they faded like a dream so now I don't remember them, but that lets me know it was real.

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~

Stage 7: May 5, 2013


When Ben met me at the river today, he had a blanket set up under the tree, and a boat waiting on a very calm river. We lay down together, and it was so very, very peaceful. We stayed there for quite some time. The neighbour decided now would be a good time to do her leaf blowing! Funnily enough though, it didn't bother me too much, and when she paused for a moment I felt the first body shift taking place, that's when I knew I was properly connnected. And more leaf blowing. When she paused again, my mind went back to Ben and he was standing up saying Come on. More leaf blowing, and another body shift. Then Ben and I were on top of a snow covered mountain range. Oh no, I said, is this Craig's mountain/wisdom thing? Ben laughed and said No, this is my view. He showed me down in the valley, lots of people scurrying around, busying themselves with the tasks of everyday life that felt so important to them. Then he showed me a person that felt like me, sitting apart from the people, with a small animal that felt like my cat, leaning against a log, enjoying the sunshine that seemed to be directly on me. He looked at that person with tenderness, love, caring and pride that she (I) wasn't getting caught up in the business of life more than was actually necessary. That seems to apply to 2 things in my life at the moment: 1. I didn't go to the event last night that I was expected to, I just didn't feel like it, it seems Ben supports that; 2. my son moves to Auckland next weekend, so for the first time since Ben passed, I will be on my own, I think Ben was showing me that I am never on my own, especially when I feel the sunshine. More leaf blowing, and another body shift. This time when I went back to Ben, we were on a plane and flew to a deserted island where the sun was setting over the ocean. We stood together and watched it set in quiet bliss. I have found myself going outside most nights and just looking at the stars or soaking up the atmosphere of the evening, I have felt Ben with me a couple of times when I have done that, and I think this was saying he is with me at those times. More leaf blowing. What's with all these distractions today I asked? This was my second attempt at meditation, the first had been disrupted by Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on the door. In response to that, I had an impression of me standing behind a large, fierce, furry animal that seemed to be guarding me. Defence was the word I had an impression of. As I went in today, I had asked for help again, with the Living Partnership (it is a great description for my vision, thanks Craig). The understanding I got from this, was that I was learning how to keep the connection even with the distractions of everyday life. I did continue to feel as if I was connected, and I think the lessons about feeling the sunshine and soaking up the stars were strong advice about how to be connected. Just Be!

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~

Stage 7: May 27, 2013


As I was going in, I started to get that feeling of 'home' that I get with Ben, that was my confirmation today that I was connected. I quickly scanned 2 or 3 places to find him, he was in the gorge. It really is a safe, protected feeling there, I like it. Today Ben was sitting on a deck chair with a small table that had coffee etc on it. I needed a few seconds to centre myself and connect properly, I did the 1-20 count again, and that brought me much closer. I asked him to help me learn what I needed to learn, and then let my mind wander. I had a strong impression of a hospital ward with people at varying levels of sickness. Around each bed were gathered people in spirit, loved ones, helpers etc. Around the children's beds were pure spirits, like angels and generally only 1 or 2 around those beds, whilst older people sometimes had a bit of a crowd. It seemed less important who the people were, but just that every sick person had someone there with them. I asked why I was seeing this, and then had thoughts of Ben's mother who died of MS not long after I got with Ben, I never really got to know her. Then my thoughts flashed to the dark haired woman I have seen a few times, scrutinising me, and suddenly realised this was her! She was getting to know me now, and has positive views of me. That's nice. I said hello to her, then I had thoughts of a kind caring nursy type fair haired woman who has helped me before, especially in dreams. I suddenly realised she was my own mother! I didn't recognise her face, but I know her feeling now, so I will be able to recognise her in the future. I thanked Mum, and told her she would have made a wonderful nurse. I went back to Ben who was still sitting on the deck chair, and thanked him for showing me that. I asked him to try to help me understand what he was telling me yesterday, then let my mind wander again. I went back to the science lab and saw some of the experiments, they involved test tubes and combinations of substances. The thought came into my head, As it is in heaven, so shall it be on Earth. What I got from that was that they are experiments to do with affecting things in our realm. I also got a realisation that for them, their realm is as real as ours is to us, I imagine that when I get there, it will seem like it does here for me, but with different perspectives of operating. Again I went back to Ben, and asked him to help me learn what I need to do to get closer to him. With that, he turned towards me animatedly and perked up, I got a body shift, the only one today. I got impressions and feelings of peeling stone fruit, like peaches or nectarines with a paring knife, and thoughts about continuing to strip the layers away, to get to what really matters. This was followed by thoughts of gimmicky marketing gifts that we used to give to new enrolments at kindy, but the one the parents actually bought into was the T-shirt, because clothing actually mattered. "Be in this world but not of it", I was reminded. Yes, there are many areas I can peel away the truly unimportant things and simplify my life and thoughts. The cat disturbed me, Ben was pleased to hear him and smiled and spoke to him. I was annoyed by the disturbance. The same had happened at the beach yesterday, with people and motorbikes wrecking my peace and quiet. I asked him why that had happened, and he reminded me that not all in my world is geared soley for me, I still need to be in this world too, just not of it. He gave me a thought of remaining in a connected bubble while disturbance carries on around me. I got no body buzzes at all today. I'm so used to getting them at all times of the day now that maybe on some level I was expecting them. I did remain connected to that feeling of home though, which in a lot of ways is more satisfying than the external stuff.

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~

Stage 7: June 12, 2013


As soon as I started the 1-20 count, I felt the connection start to grow. Once I had finished that, I was with Ben under the tree. Something reminded me of a picnic we'd had in the rain one day under a tree, and I saw the tongs we had left behind that day. The feeling of that memory returned and I stayed in that happy memory feeling for a while, it felt good to be able to remember feelings like that and have them again. I got a body shift and another feeling came, really glorious, fulfilling, uplifting, wonderful. I felt like things were beginning to flow. I rode that feeling and asked Ben what I'm supposed to be learning, he interrupted with "Just be baby". I did that for what seemed like ages, I thoroughly enjoyed it, being carried away. That was interrupted by a woman who appeared, not anywhere in particular, she seemed really nervous, not sure what she was doing, she had a suitcase with her. I went over and introduced myself, and asked if she needed any help. The woman continued to look around in bewilderment. I took her bag and put it down. I wondered why noone was there to meet her, and offered to take her through the door but nothing happened. I stood with her for a minute waiting to see if someone would come, then saw myself pulling a portable screen along and kind of hiding behind it. I asked Ben what that meant, I didn't get a reply, but found myself pretending to be a hotel concierge, greeting her and showing her to her room. The woman perked up, I took her and her bag to another area, which she thought was a hotel room, I had the feeling she created that. Then it felt like my job was done when other hotel workers came and began tending to her. That felt really satisfying and I was quite pleased with myself because of how it felt. Then I started seeing socks lying around all over the place! They needed washing. I found myself taking off my own socks. Then I began cooking helathy meals in my impressions! I was really confused by this, and it is only upon reflection that I can see a link. I believe it's about taking care of myself physically and spiritually through cleansing and healthy practices. Maybe I need to get a bit more serious about my spiritual practices rather than rushing through my day. I caught a clear glimpse of my grandmother (in spirit) among the kids at kindy, she was just walking through them, looking, curious about them. I was really enjoying the buzz I was in, but the cat interrupted me, so it was over.

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~

Stage 7: June 20, 2013


As I was doing the count in, I felt Ben wrap me up in a coccon of caring, when I finished the count, I got a huge bunch of flowers! Beautiful. As the meditation went on, my connection deepened, but to begin with, Ben grabbed me and took me flying upwards, spinning, joining together. Every time I went to look at Ben, I was instead directed to how I was feeling, and i do love that feeling of being with him. Rather than a shift at first, I had a gradual building up of connectedness until I got to the place that I feel when I do have a shift. Ben and I now had wings, like dragonfly wings, our bodies were in a shape similar to dragonflies as well. In my mind, I could feel the muscles in the back of my shoulders beating the wings, it was an unusual but incredible feeling, it felt wonderfully free. Ben took my hand and we flew down to a forest floor. It was a magical feeling place. I felt tingles on my right side, across that side of my chest and all the way out to my upper arm. I felt as if Ben had picked me up and carried me to a place in the forest where he sat down and cradled me. I had thoughts about meeting new people and they asked me "What are you?" I thought that was odd as I would have expected the question to be "Who are you?" I answered "A woman". Ben said "Then allow yourself to be loved, nurtured and cared for". It struck me that those are things women (and men) do for others but not always for themselves, or necessarily allow to be done for them. Another lesson in self-love perhaps? I'm not entirely sure of the order of things that followed. I had a big body buzz and kiss. I felt a pressure building up in my left thigh and knee. I felt like my skin was going to burst the pressure was so great. I felt a huge body shift and was back at the castle I'd been to a few days ago, with Ben. This time he walked me over a drawbridge and we went inside. It was dim and empty, kinda chilly too. I asked why I keep seeing empty houses. Someone else said "You don't get it? Well I do!" I clearly saw an old red hatchback car backed up to a garage door outside another empty house, the car was empty too. It all had a feeling of having been abandoned. I questioned why I see cars so often too. Ben asked "What do you do in cars?" I replied "You go somewhere." He asked, "Why are houses empty?" I responded with "They're waiting to be filled with furniture and to be made into a home". There was a satisfied feeling as a response, and I related the answers to myself, and particularly getting to know myself now, as my whole world and view of it is different.

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~

Stage 7: June 24, 2013


When I first arrived, I found myself taking some time to reconnect with the river, meadow, our cottage on the other side, I oculd sense Ben under the tree. When I turned to face the tree, I got the impression of Ben there, doing all the things he's ever done under the tree at the same time. I kind of glided toward him and reconnected with him. Not in any physical sense or impression, but through feeling, it really is such a relief to feel that. I stayed like that for quite some time, then asked Ben for some guidance. He began stacking small squares. I could tell they were made of some soft material as the corners drooped as the stack built. Then with a flourish, he made them disappear as if it was a magic trick. I didn't understand it, so asked him to show me again. He stacked them again, only this time they were on a tall spike. I looked closely and saw they were pieces of paper, to do lists, memos, messages, invoices... he made them disappear again. I think I got it this time. I'm still too preoccupied with doing, rather than feeling and being. These lessons may continue for some time, which is good, it helps me to stay focussed.

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~

Stage 7: July 22, 2013


Ben met me in the meadow today, straight away. I was so very glad to see him. We hugged warmly, and spent some time together walking through the long grass, it felt like home. He took off with me, running hand in hand through the meadow, and we came suddenly upon the baby rhinoceros and baby unicorn from my dream last night, although the rhino now felt more like a horse, and the unicorn like a one horned goat! I hadn't been able to understand them in my dream and had asked Ben to help me understand. As soon as we came across them I understood. They were referring to the animal (human) side, and magical (spiritual) side. Ben showed me other ways he had been telling me about 2 sides lately: 2 families in my dream; the 2 paths from the other day; 2 children at the beach and in my dream... To use Robert Munroe's expression, he threw me a rote that made me understand that they are always side by side, but also separate.

I worry constantly that the things I do or don't do in my physical life affect my opportunities to connect with him. I now understand it's my worries that affect the connection, not what I do (remember Joan it's the spirit with which I do them that counts). I remembered that in the dream last night a person had a lead on both the animals, but the animals were still free to explore. I asked Ben if that was referring to me keeping too tight a leash on things. He showed me a couple of scenes that told me if the animals were free to go wild so to speak, they could end up going in different directions and how could I keep hold of both in that situation? He encouraged me to take hold of the reins for now, until it comes to the stage where I and the 2 animals (human and spirit) are walking together along the same path, at the same pace, in harmony without any controlling. It would happen naturally in time.

I'm very grateful for this learning, I had been feeling kind of lost, now I'm more hopeful and have my faith restored and patience replenished. I felt like that was the lesson for today, so just relaxed into things after thanking him. I had an image of my toes in the water, wriggling, another reminder to keep grounding.

Just before I finished, my visual field began spinning and I felt myself being uprighted, I hadn't realised I was not upright to begin with. I got a body buzz on my right hand side, a kiss, and a movement on my hair.

~ Participant Journal Excerpt ~

Stage 7: August 13, 2013


Ben was both under the tree and in the white room when I got there today. In the white room we both became beings without 'solid' bodies; under the tree he was sitting like a rag doll with a huge apple floating in front of him. I greeted him and asked what the apple was about, he asked me to look at the colours. It was red and green, like the huge strawberries from my dream last night.

Then I suddenly found myself dressing in a rainbow striped dress, with a 1920s style indigo coloured headband with a violet feather. David was there too. He took me off to go for a run. We ran along a path in a bush beside water. He gave me a kind, but firm talking to. He told me to put effort into my life, stop taking the easy way out, no more excuses. Trust me, he said, remember when you used to thrive on being busy and were happy? Happiness is the key to feeling the connection now. Take charge of your life, keep a clear head.

I thought they were fair enough comments, but I was a little bit pissy at being told what to do, that's just me. I found myself challenging him: Why do you keep taking Ben away from me, you know I want him beside me while I learn? That's why you went to the white room first, David replied, look beside you. Sure enough, Ben was there in spirit beside me. Bastard, I thought to myself, he's thought of everything! David laughed, thank goodness he has the right character to deal with me: honest, with a sense of humour, and patient. I like him. I do agree though, it is time to take charge, let a little bit of that life stress in, I can handle it now.

We jogged on for a while. There was a time of peacefulness, then I found myself remembering lots of little angry times, reactions to things people had said or done, nothing major. There was a flow of energy or something upwards through my body, out the top of my vision, I let all those angry thoughts flow up and out. Then I found myself having lots of little happy thoughts and memories, my body began tingling with those and I had a small smile on my face. So, emotional expression is still a theme. I went back to the tree and Ben was up, happy and warmly hugged me goodbye. I still feel a little sad though, that I didn't connect with him strongly, but do trust the road I'm being taken down.

Oh yes, I had light regular tickles on my left cheek and eye until I got to the happy thoughts part, where I got the tingles. Hmm, just had a session with my pendulum, feeling ashamed now of my ungratefulness as well as frustrated at my inability to feel properly. That was Ben tickling my face with his hair as he cuddled me while I was having the connection. Thankyou for reminding me of that Baby. I'm pleased also to know that I got the right message, and feel so much better now that I know Ben was there too.



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